Can Psychotherapy Improve Self-Esteem?
Many clients come to me who suffer from low self-esteem. They tell me how it shows up in their moods, their choices, their relationships, and their outlook for the future. But what does it mean to have low self-esteem or self-worth?
What is Low Self-Worth?
Our sense of self-worth is how we measure our value to the world.
It’s what we feel we have to offer. People with a negative sense of self tend to compare themselves to others. In contrast, people who have a strong, stable sense of self, don’t feel the need to compare. They have the luxury to feel good about who they are and appreciate the unique contributions of others.
How Does Low Self-Worth Impact Us?
1. We don’t take chances
When we suffer from low self-esteem, we don’t believe in our ability to accomplish things, so we don’t try. This leads to us missing out on life and never knowing our true potential.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I discovered that I did not have an immediate natural talent for most sports. I interpreted this as – I’m no good at sports and I never will be. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. The result: I made excuses to skip out on activities whenever I could (I did develop a talent for that!) I sat on the sidelines while I watched my friends have fun, struggle, and learn what they are capable of. Who knows what kind of skills I could have developed or hobby I could have fallen in love with if I had tried?
2. We keep toxic relationships
We surround ourselves with people who treat us only as well as we think we deserve.
If we feel “less than”, we attract people who treat us as “less than” by overlooking our needs and putting themselves first. If we feel we are “bad”, we attract those who “penalize” us by disregarding our boundaries or abusing us.
3. We carry guilt and shame
Because we feel rotten on the inside, we carry guilt and shame for who we believe we truly are. We constantly pretend to be something we’re not to hide this so-called “unacceptable” part of ourselves. This drains us (though we don’t know any different) and blocks any true intimacy we might otherwise enjoy.
4. We live in a harsh world
We experience the world how we experience ourselves.
If we are highly self-critical, the world feels like a cruel and judgmental place. If we don’t feel loveable, the world and people around us feel unsupportive, uncaring, and abandoning.
Phenomena that Reinforce Negative Self-Views and How a Therapist Can Help
Now the good news…
With some determination and willingness to take a chance, it is possible to develop a positive sense of self.
The reason why it can feel so hard to change is that our unconscious has a way of keeping us in place as a way to protect ourselves. But it is sorely misguided. Here are three phenomena of how this happens and how therapy can help.
1. The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
We unknowingly behave in ways that provoke a response from others that is consistent with our negative self-view.
For instance, a woman’s father left the family when she was a little girl. As a result, she grew up with the sense that she is unlovable and will always ultimately be abandoned. She is hypervigilant about any actions her partner takes that might indicate that he does not love her. Coming from a place of hurt, sorrow, and panic, she angrily confronts him. This happens over and over until eventually, feeling misunderstood, helpless, and confused, the man leaves, fulfilling her prophecy. (This of course is not the way things always go but just an example.)
With enough time in therapy, this very same dynamic will begin to occur. The client gets a sense that the therapist doesn’t care about her.
But the therapist is trained to understand what is happening and respond differently.
The therapist does not give up or leave, but continues to provide a reliable, caring, and accepting presence. Over time, the client will be able to take this in and can finally begin to accept and embrace who they are.
2. The Repetitive Relationship Pattern
As children, we rely on our caregivers to meet critical needs such as being held, attuned to, and loved. When some of these get missed, it thwarts our emotional development and ability to get to know ourselves as unique and whole beings.
As an adult, it is possible to get these needs met and heal old wounds within a healthy committed relationship. But our low evaluation of ourselves tends to keep us from attracting the type of people who can provide them. Instead, we continue to engage in relationships that mimic the missing needs from our childhood.
Therapists are particularly qualified to identify and provide the previously missed relational needs that are essential to our growth.
Therapists “hold” by dedicating the hour and the space each week. They “attune to” with their undivided attention, empathy, and critical thinking. They “love” by deeply caring about their client. Over time, old wounds begin to heal, giving the client space to build self-acceptance.
3. Selective Attention
Selective attention is when we unconsciously take in the information that supports our negative self-view and ignore what doesn’t. This looks like: not being able to take a compliment, never quite feeling satisfied with accomplishments, harboring on what we said “wrong” instead of what we did right. Sound familiar?
It seems odd that we would do this because all we want is to feel good about ourselves! But the psyche will choose the comfort of what’s known over the discomfort of what’s unknown. Even if the unknown is liking who we are.
Not only can a therapist highlight the selective attention tendency, but they can provide company in strange and unfamiliar territory. What is it like to enter the world as a confident being that asserts your needs and pursues your dreams? What is it like to feel how capable you are?
Growth requires us to peddle through the discomfort and strangeness of the unknown. It’s a lot easier in the company of someone you trust.
A Way Forward
Oftentimes people think of therapy as a way to gain knowledge about themselves. That is an important part of it.
What most people don’t know is that it’s not the knowledge gained, but the experience of the relationship with their therapist that is transformational.
Therapy can take you back in time and make up for what was lost. This is NOT something you get from a book, a lecture, or a conversation with a friend.
As for me, I learned in my own therapy just how much I’ve underestimated myself my whole life. And I began to change. I put one foot in front of the other and began to follow my passions, despite what my head was still telling me. I surprised myself again and again until my self-perception changed. And now I’m here, writing you this article.
There is always hope to heal, discover your potential, and change how you experience yourself and your world. We have the tools. It’s just a matter of deciding and taking that step forward. So what will it be?
First published July 2022 by The Saturday Center for Psychotherapy.
